The truths of someone dealing with infertility

Before I go into what happened when I went to the doctor (see Part 1 of my infertility journey), I want to highlight on what it’s like dealing with infertility, and the feelings women experience. I want women who are reading this and are struggling, to feel comfort knowing they’re not alone. To those who have been blessed to have never experienced this I want to help you gain some insight.

Infertility is truly a roller coaster of emotions. While you’re dealing with your own mental games you also have to show up everyday in the “real world”. That was the true struggle for me.

I sat back and watched everyone’s pregnancy announcements, their fun gender reveals, and I went to the baby showers. I dreaded baby showers the most. Strolling through the baby aisles to pick a present while my ovaries were screaming for a baby was not enjoyable. It seemed like everyday I faked happiness, and felt guilt. I felt resentment, and felt guilt. I felt anger, sadness, jealousy, depression, and lots of hope…. mixed in with that I felt true happiness for those around me. It’s really a cocktail of emotions that is really hard to put into words.

In addition to sitting back and watching everyone get what you’re praying for (some you selfishly question how deserving they are) you have the comments. OMG….the comments..

“When are you guys having a baby?!

“Everything is fine there’s nothing wrong with you”

“Getting pregnant is so easy!”

“I’m so fertile!”

“I can’t believe you haven’t had a baby yet”

“You guys aren’t getting any younger”

“You guys would have beautiful babies, get on it!”

“I’m so annoyed my baby doesn’t look like me”

“I can’t wait for our second child we are going to get pregnant in *insert month* so the babies are exactly *insert date range* apart!”

You might read some of those comments and think “yeah right people don’t say that”, or maybe you’re thinking “shit, I’ve said that”. I have experienced every single one of those remarks. In fact I continued to experience them even after I came clean about my infertility struggle (I’ll get into that later). They made my stomach turn. I stopped wanting to be around people because I was afraid I was going to have to deal with the comments, or I’d have to answer questions. I was tired of making up reasons why we weren’t pregnant. I was afraid if I got asked when we were having a baby one more time I was going to snap. Or even worse I’d have to listen to someone bitch about their baby they were blessed with. Women dealing with infertility don’t want to be treated differently, but they also can’t ignore the elephant in the room. It’s not that we want people to tip toe around and be afraid to ask questions. We just want people to be self aware of the questions they’re asking, and the remarks they’re making.

Aside from having to deal with the “real world” you also have to deal with what I call the “fake world”, and the root of so much evil… Social media.

Social media brings so many great things to the table (like you reading me going off about infertility), but it also brings a lot of bad. I go back and forth if the bad outweighs the good. For me, social media made my struggle worse. In fact as a new mother it still gets in my head. When I was trying to conceive I saw all these “Instagram moms” with their perfect bodies, $3000 strollers, fancy binkies, all natural $60 onsies, and perfect pictures. It made me long for a perfect little life, and feel horrible about the fact that I couldn’t even have a baby. I’ve realized now they’re probably all losing their shit when the camera is turned off, they’re buying presets to make their pictures flawless, drinking a bottle of wine a night, and popping a xanax or two.

…I’m half way kidding…

My point is to stop comparing your life to people on social media. DO YOU. You’re not doing yourself any favors and I promise nothing is at it seems. Transparency on the internet is nearly extinct. Everyone is struggling but our struggles are often different. We see a highlighted reel of people’s lives that drives us insane, yet we share our highlighted reel. It’s a vicious cycle, and in the end everyone is just trying to keep up with one another. The more real you can be with yourself and others the more at peace you will be. I recommend detoxing from social media if you feel it bringing negativity into your life. I can’t tell you how many times I did that, and still do it.

As I wrap this up I hope I’ve given insight to those who have never experienced infertility, or have spoken to someone about it. I hope I can be a place of comfort to those who are going through it right now. My inbox is always open. Hang on tight babes. There’s a light at the end of your tunnel too.

In my next post I’ll get into the doctor appointment that slowly changed everything.

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